Fallen Through the Cracks

The last of my food supply

Right now, I’m debating whether or not to eat a box of macaroni and cheese.

I’m not debating whether I should eat it versus something else which would be decidedly more nutritious. I’m debating whether or not I should eat it, or go hungry another day. You see, I only have three boxes of macaroni and cheese left to my name. I have no other food in my apartment, and I currently have $9 left in my bank account. My Internet and mobile phone were turned off at the beginning of January, and my gas will probably be turned off in the next month. My electricity will eventually follow suit. The only reason I still have an apartment is because of the charity of family, however their finances are stretched too thin with almost half a million dollars in medical debt, and the costs associated with caring for an elderly matriarch in the last months of her life. The only way I am able to receive calls from potential employers is through an old flip phone loaned to me by a family member while I look for work. I’ve been living off macaroni and cheese since January, eating a box every second day in order to stretch what meager funds I had as far as they would last.

You may be asking, “But, Ashe, weren’t you in college? Did you ever graduate?” The answer is, yes. I graduated from NC State University in December 2012. I earned a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and had a 3.44/4.00 Cumulative GPA, as well as a 3.75/4.00 Major GPA. It says so, right on my resume. I spent two years doing research for the Good Doctor, although, to be fair, that last semester I really slacked off since I had a small bout of depression, later followed by fear and anxiety associated with not having a job waiting for me when I graduated. My slacking showed, as the Good Doctor only gave me a B for the last semester in his lab, where previously I had made A’s. I really feel bad about that, and I feel that I left things off with him on a sour note, as a result.

While I did attempt to apply to graduate school, finances dictated that I could only afford to apply to one school, NC State. As anyone who has applied to graduate schools can tell you, it is not a good idea to place all of your hopes into one university. Unfortunately, I was a little too vague on my application when explaining what I wanted my research focus to be, and was rejected despite what one of the professors reviewing my application said were very good GPA and GRE scores.

The problem, as I see it, is that I am a bit afraid to tell any professor about my true goals for research. Ever since returning to college, I have had a dream of doing research which would lead to the creation of an artificial intelligence, which would reside on any mobile device, computer, or perhaps even a web-enabled television, that would be used mainly for the treatment of depression, anxiety, and some mild addiction disorders. Several problems get in the way of this research. One, I have no engineering or computer programming background, so I would not be creating the actual programming code, myself. Two, there is very little research in the psychological journals pertaining to the use of artificial intelligence, as it seems that psychologists have mostly ceded control over this area to the engineering field. And, three, since there aren’t any psychologists currently doing research into the use of artificial intelligence as a treatment for depression, there aren’t any researchers whose labs I can apply to work in as a graduate student. At NC State, we have an engineering department with faculty and students who would be of great use in the actual construction of the AI, but the closest thing to a psychologist who fits my needs focuses his research on studying the cognitive effects of playing video games in adults and the elderly. For my purposes, as one who has played video games since I was four years old, I see parallels between using AI for improving the cognitive and emotional well-being of adults with depression, and using video games, which are little more than graphical AIs which respond to player input, as a way of improving the cognitive functioning of older adults.

Meeting Challenges

I could only eat six of them.

This was an eventful week with an abundance of meetings. Tuesday, I met with Johnnie at the Dunkin' Donuts to attempt to eat a dozen doughnuts in under 40 minutes, the time it took him to eat a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts during the Krispy Kreme Challenge. I was able to eat six of the doughnuts in 17 minutes, so I was well on my way to beating his time. However, I started to feel lightheaded and stuffed. The problem is that Dunkin' Donuts are 1) slightly larger than Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and 2) denser than Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So, eating six Dunkin' Donuts is like the equivalent of eating nine Krispy Kreme doughnuts. At any rate, I lost the challenge miserably, and had to apologize personally, and publicly (on Facebook), to Johnnie for calling him a pussy for initially complaining about having to eat the doughnuts during the race. And, I felt really lightheaded and sluggish for the remainder of the afternoon. I really hate having to tuck my tail between my legs on things like this.

On Wednesday morning, I attended the weekly lab meeting with The Good Doctor. The meeting was largely uneventful, as usual. However, a considerable focus of the meeting surrounded a side discussion about applying to graduate schools. A friend from the lab is currently in the application process, and was lamenting her chances to get accepted. She was concerned because her GRE scores, while good, weren't as good as she was hoping. However, her GPA is considerably higher than mine, and she has the benefit of being multilingual, and has experience from a study abroad program in which she took part. The discussion actually aroused anxiety in me, since, if she is having worries about getting accepted, I REALLY should worry. I did considerably better on the GRE, apparently, but my GPA isn't all that close to hers, and I don't have any sort of extracurricular experience to promote on a CV for grad school. Further, she applied to about ten schools around the country. Since it costs $100 for every grad school application, not including the cost of having the GRE scores sent to multiple universities, I simply do not have the sort of money to send out more than a couple of applications. And, I've been wanting to keep myself in North Carolina, which further limits my options for getting into a program where I would fit. I've been hoping to somehow stay at NC State, and get into one of the professors' labs here, if not even stay with The Good Doctor; but this week's set of meetings has thrown the fear of God into me about getting accepted into a program. And, as I've mentioned in the past, I don't have a backup plan in the event that I am not accepted.

The Fortunes of Futures Passed

Fortune Cookies Are Getting Morose

I'm not one for backup plans. Generally, I make my mind up, I go in a direction, and I see where it takes me. If I end up someplace good, then I'm happy. If I end up someplace not so good, then I'm not so happy, but I deal with it and accept my fate... at least for awhile. However, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't start trying to create a backup plan, in the event this whole going to Graduate School and becoming a professor thing doesn't work out.

The thing is, I don't see myself as becoming anything other than a college professor. Well, at least not realistically. I've had a fantasy for years now about creating a company with my friends for the sole purpose of saving the world from itself. That whole God complex of mine enjoys reveling in that fantasy. But, the job of college professor is uniquely suited to what I consider my strengths, while still allowing me to indulge in some of my weaknesses. For instance, I love giving presentations in front of groups of people. I enjoy reading up on some obscure bit of knowledge, breaking that knowledge down into a set of presentation slides, and teaching it to people who didn't take the time to learn what I just discovered. Also, I enjoy being a little judgmental (that would be classified as one of my weaknesses). Asking people to write a literature review paper, or other such assignment, would allow me an outlet for looking down my nose at students who seemingly can't find their ass with a roll of toilet paper.

If I Had a Billion Dollars

As I've already mentioned, I'm one of those people who just sits around thinking up ideas for remaking the world without actually having the where-with-all to bring my ideas to fruition. That said, today I'm casting my focus solely on my hometown, Raleigh, NC.

First on the agenda is to remake the east side (not pictured) of Downtown. Right now, the area is largely a slum for the city's poorest black and Hispanic residents. Up until now, all Downtown revitalization efforts have pretty much ignored everything from Person Street eastward, and even the Comprehensive Plan doesn't seem as ambitious (more to the point, it lacks the specificity of detail that is present in the plan for other areas of the city) about this area as I would have expected. Personally, I would just start bulldozing the slums and rebuilding them as efficient, attractive, environmentally conscious, multi-use facilities which are affordable and give the residents a greater sense of self-worth and encourage them to get out of the lower class.

I would begin by hosting an architectural design competition among the students from the NC State College of Design. The designers whose plans are selected for construction would receive their full tuition paid for as well as real world architectural experience. Whenever possible, some of the east side residents would be hired and trained to assist in construction. After all, one's sense of pride in a project increases when he/she has been able to build it with their own hands.

While construction commenced, I would work with Shaw University's Department of Business and Public Administration to create an extensive series of business training seminars for the area residents which would help them develop small business proposals for the ground-level retail space once construction was complete. I would also establish a trust fund to provide seed loans for the small business start-ups, with the ultimate goal of attracting other local/state investors to contribute. It is my belief that, once the residents see other people are willing to invest in their futures, the people living on the verge of poverty will start to see themselves as having real value and potential, and their enhanced self-esteem will begin to radiate through the community.

One pet project of mine among the construction would be the creation of a vertical farming facility which would also house an on site grocery store/produce market. Currently, Downtown Raleigh is severely lacking an actual grocery store, so all the people in Downtown have to travel elsewhere (mostly by car) to buy their food. This facility would help alleviate that need to use fossil fuel while also creating more jobs in the Downtown area. And it would be cool to eat a tomato for lunch which had been picked fresh that morning on the fourth floor! Additionally, the food produced in the facility would be organically grown, and more affordable since there would be no transportation costs to consider in the price. Further, having easier (by foot or by bicycle) access to fresh produce will help create a healthier lifestyle for all the residents of Downtown but especially the impoverished who tend to eat poor quality, nutritionally absent, processed foods which are currently more easily accessed and afforded.

My expectation is that, after I had brought the economically depressed east side to vibrancy, enhanced the welfare of its citizens, given them a sense of pride and ownership of their surroundings, and made the area safe to walk or bike, I would eventually make back my money, and then some. Of course, all of this requires people skills, which I lack in abundance. However, with a billion dollars, I think I could convince Julie and her husband, Andrew, as well as Osterberg and his wife, Andrea, all of whom HAVE the necessary people skills, to come work for me and help me accomplish all of this. Afterward, I would begin to turn my attention to Raleigh's transportation woes. But, that's a discussion for a later day.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

If I Ruled the World

Image is of Light Yagami from the anime series Death Note

When I'm bored I often pass the time with thoughts of how I would love to rule the world. Admittedly, my fantasies are primarily the jurisdiction of the United States, but I think just being President would be insufficient for some of the things I'd like to accomplish.

Here is a list of some of the things I would love to do if I were the Benevolent Overlord of the World:

1. Force all 535 members of the US Senate and House of Representatives to attend the annual TED Conference. Annual exposure to some of the greatest minds in the western world might reduce some of the shame and stupidity endemic to our nation's lawmaking body.

2. Put Monsanto and other large scale agribusiness firms out of business. These companies hurt the environment and put family farms out of business with unethical legal practices (lawsuits, lobbying for subsidies), thereby increasing the need for agribusiness to pick up the food production slack.

3. Force all credit card companies to cap interest rates at 15%. Now, credit card companies can charge 25% or more in interest, imprisoning their customers in an interminable cycle of debt. And they have the nerve to say they can't make money otherwise. I've got news for you guys, we all know that the costs of doing business have actually declined thanks to computerization. You guys are just selfish bastards!

4. Chain Dick Cheney to a wall, naked, with jumper cables attached on one end to his testicles and on the other end to my car's battery. I don't have a reason for this one, other than my own personal pleasure.

5. Construct an extensive high speed levitated train system down each US coast and west across the northern and southern most states. I like riding trains, and they are a cleaner form of transportation than cars or planes.

6. Move the state of Israel to Nevada. Seriously, if the US is going to spend eternity being Israel's bitch we should at least move them somewhere that we can guarantee their safety. And since Nevada and Israel are both in the desert it will be like they never left home! Besides, we already let the Mormons own Utah.

7. Make free or low cost access to healthcare a global right. It sucks being in the only industrialized nation without universal healthcare. And health insurance companies are a despicable scourge on the Earth. There is no reason that living or dying should be dependent on how much money you have or how good your individual health insurance plan is.

8. Create a REAL Christian Nation. Homosexuality and abortion would be illegal there, but all citizens would be forced to follow ALL the laws of the Bible. That means no more ham, bacon, shrimp, lobster, or cheeseburgers! Citizens would have to observe kosher dietary laws, and from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday there would be no use of electricity, no driving, no spending money, no carrying anything outdoors, no writing, or anything else which could remotely be considered "work"! And don't give me this crap about kosher being a "Jewish" law. EVERYTHING in the Old Testament is a Jewish law. So, either you follow all of them, or none of them. No more picking and choosing! Maybe I'll put it where Israel used to be.

9. Turn US prisons into rehabilitation facilities. With few exceptions, like Charlie Manson or Osama bin Laden, psychology can help reform and redeem anyone. We spend enough on each prisoner to put them through college. With that sort of investment we should at least be getting productive citizens in return. Otherwise, we are just throwing money down a bottomless hole.

10. Build a replica of the Twin Towers, including desks and computers, then remotely fly planes carrying pig carcasses as human analogues into the replicas. I don't know if 9/11 was an "inside job", but this seems like the only way to prove it beyond all doubt. If the buildings collapse in a few hours, we will know the planes did it. It it takes 12 hours or longer for the buildings to fall, then I will have a legitimate reason for putting jumper cables on Cheney's testicles.

I'll stop at 10 for now. I'm sure I could come up with more in time. Perhaps I'll revisit this later.

Until then...

Have fun and keep living life... and bow to me, your Benevolent Overlord!

At Home in the City of Oaks

I love living in Raleigh. Even though I don't feel especially close to anyone here, and I don't avail myself of all the opportunities for entertainment and socialization which the city has to offer, I still don't think I'd want to live anywhere else. And while I have loved being in some of the major cities I've visited (London, Boston, and Atlanta, in particular) I can't say that I would really want to live in any of them for extended periods. Instead, I wish some of the best parts of those cities would come to Raleigh.

For instance, all of those cities have underground mass transit systems of one degree or another with the most elaborate being in London. Granted, subways are something which really need to be built at the start of a city's creation, but Raleigh is hoping to construct a ground level regional train system which would connect the city center with a few of its major suburbs and with the cities of Durham and Chapel Hill, the other two points of the Research Triangle. At least its something.

Another benefit more common to Boston and London is the focus of mixed use buildings with retail on ground level, then some blend of commercial and residential space on the higher levels. I'm sure that sounds like a no-brainer if you live in a large city, but it is something which Raleigh only began zoning for within the last 5-10 years. Previously business and residential zoning never mixed here. Thankfully, it seems the gods of progress eventually won out.

Another thing I really loved about the large cities was their friendliness toward two-wheeled vehicles. In London I saw as many Vespas as I saw cars, and in Boston bikes were fairly commonplace in certain areas of the city. Because of their friendliness toward bikes and scooters each city was very pedestrian friendly which led to healthier looking residents. Part of Raleigh's Comprehensive Plan for the next 20 years includes plans to redesign its roads to include and promote greater bike traffic. Couple this with the city's plan to focus growth in only a few select locations to promote urban infilling of currently "suburban" feeling areas of the city and you have a plan for Raleigh's future that I can fully support.

The only problem I have now is my impatience. The current quest to revitalize downtown Raleigh began when I was in high school in 1990. I've been dreaming of what Raleigh would become for 19 years now. And the Comprehensive Plan won't be complete until 2030, if then. I will be 56 years old and will have waited 40 years for Raleigh to transform into the urban metropolis I've been hoping for before it is all done. And by then there will likely be all new ways in which the city could grow and adapt.

Unless Ray Kurzweil's predicted convergence of man and machine comes to fruition there is every likelihood that once Raleigh has become the gleaming City of Oaks I will be too old to fully enjoy it. Now maybe you can see why the idea of becoming a cyborg is so attractive.

Have fun and keep living life... because the future could come any day now.

Meet TED

For the last week or two I've been obsessed with watching the lectures presented by TED, the Technology, Entertainment, and Design Conference. TED has been hosting lectures by some of the western world's finest minds for the last 25 years. Past speakers have included the likes of such luminaries as Bill Gates, Jill Tartar, Craig Venter, and Al Gore. TED even has an iPhone App that I've been using to view lectures during downtimes at school, where I have access to WiFi.

The thing I really love about TED is that it reflects a convergence of intellect which, if these people are given the chance, could alter the course of humanity's future for the better. For instance, during a lecture from Venter, the founder of The Institute for Genomic Research, revealed that his newest endeavor, Synthetic Genomics, was working on developing artificial microorganisms which have the potential to convert carbon pollutants into biofuel for cars. Imagine the potential benefit to society if Venter's group could be successful. His bioengineered lifeforms could clean our air and solve our energy problems at the same time!

And while Ray Kurzweil, who has invented a host of systems for information input, probably won't be single-handedly responsible for altering mankind, I nonetheless found his lecture on the coming convergence of man and machine incredibly fascinating. For years I have dreamed of a day when I will be able to extend my life by an extra century by downloading into a cybernetic body. (Yes, I'm completely serious! Stop laughing! Why do people always do that?) I don't want to live forever, but an extra century would be nice. I have a slight fear that something really cool is going to happen a couple of years after I die and that I'm going to miss it. So, I'm all for anything that has the potential to extend my life span.

TED has helped bring to light the work of so many brilliant people, such as Nicholas Negroponte whose One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) program is helping third world children leap frog into the modern world by giving them a window beyond their impoverished existence. Well over a million low cost laptops have now been distributed to places as far away as Iraq and as nearby as Birmingham, Alabama (I won't editorialize about the level of impoverishment endemic to Alabama!).

I like TED because it helps confirm my optimism about humanity. While some of these visionaries are certainly working for fame and fortune, most are working for the intrinsic good that comes from the search for answers and the quest for solutions to the problems of the world. If that doesn't describe the communist ideal I don't know what does.

Have fun and keep living life... and don't stop thinking about tomorrow!