Admitting Past Mistakes

Why does it seem as though Conservatives think apologizing is a bad thing to do? I'm being honest. I don't get it. For the last 20 years I've heard Conservatives repeatedly us the term "apologist" as though it were a derisive word. And again, today, Conservatives jumped all over President Obama's back for giving a speech in Cairo aimed at easing tensions between America and the Middle East. In the speech, Obama acknowledged five or six areas where the US has failed in the past to be sensitive to the sovereignty of nations in the Muslim world. Naturally, Conservatives stopped there and threw up their fists like children, screaming, "How dare he apologize to Muslims!" Well, let's face it, what choice did Obama have? It's not like any Republican would ever apologize for anything!

Of course, in their zealous diatribe the GOP-ers totally missed the fact that the President also called out Muslims for civil rights abuses against women and children, being too willing to allow violence against innocents as a form of political protest, not recognizing the sovereignty of Israel, and holding mock elections under the guise of democracy. I guess calling out the neighbors in their own house isn't enough to trump the weak kneed apology of a coward who may be in collusion with Muslims... that is, if he isn't one himself!

The thing is, I get the impression that Conservatives honestly believe apologizing for past mistakes is somehow a show of weakness. And, in their eyes, the US is the greatest nation in the world and should, therefore, NEVER show weakness! But think back to when you were in high school. Who thought they were the baddest motherfuckers in the room and refused to show any contrition whatsoever? It wasn't the popular kids, nor the smart kids, nor the drama geeks, band geeks, emo kids, or the losers. No... It was the bullies!

You don't even have to think back to high school. In your job right now everyone is working for the same reason -- to get paid and go home. But there's ALWAYS that one person who makes everyone else miserable by being disrespectful and invading their workspace. Does this person ever apologize? Of course not! Why? Because they're an asshole, that's why!

Don't get me wrong. I love being in America. But we do tend toward being the assholes of the global office space a little too often. And while we will probably never get EVERYONE else to join us in that drunken rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmahannukwanzaakuh" we're so fond of at this year's holiday party, with a little contrition every now and then we might actually get an invite to the formerly "secret" after party party at the club for once! And who knows... We might even get lucky and see the hot Persian chick from Accounting and the cute Jewish chick from IT settle that nasty border dispute over their Gaza Strips!

Okay... Maybe that was a little too A-holey! Sorry.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

The New Face(book) of Old Friends

Ever since I signed up for Facebook I've been surprised by the people who have come out of the woodwork to "friend" me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that being on Facebook has stretched the definition of the word "friend" beyond a rational level of credulity. I'm now "friends" with people I rarely talk to in the dance community, people I rarely spoke to in high school, people I haven't even seen in 20 years, and people that I rarely talk to but wish I would get a chance to talk to more often.

In fact, while I thought that social networking sites were supposed to bring us closer together, my experience has been that Facebook has actually made me feel farther apart from people by constantly reminding me of relationships which aren't on the level that I wish they were.

Take, for instance, my long time friend Julie. I've known her for a dozen years and yet we've never been as close as I would have liked. That's probably my fault, since I've never really known how to act around her. Julie is someone whom I've always considered far too beautiful, far too successful, and far too socially adept to be connected to me. I had a crush on her for years beginning on the day we met, but that was never meant to be. Nowadays, she's married and living on the other side of the continent. We talk on the phone for about an hour twice a year, during which time she bores the living crap out of me with stories of her friends' lives. For my part, I pretend to listen as much as possible since hearing her voice feels better than not.

I'd like to say that being Julie's "friend" on Facebook has made me feel closer to her, but instead, as is the case with several of my real life friends, I feel like the geek in the corner of the room watching the popular kids joking around and having a good time. Sure, the geek is friends with one or two of the popular kids, but he doesn't want to risk doing or saying the wrong thing and upsetting his "friends" around all of the other popular kids, thereby taking a chance of being de-"friended". You know, it's like being in middle school all over again!

And why do people ask to "friend" me if they have ZERO intention of talking to me? Almost all of the people from high school that have "friended" me haven't messaged me ONCE since I accepted their friend request! Let's face it, we've lived in the same city for 20 freaking years without ever seeing each other. So, unless you actually intend to get caught up with me, don't bother asking to "friend" me! We aren't FRIENDS! Honestly, when I get the request it just forces me to spend 10 minutes trying to remember who the hell you are!

Maybe I'm not the type of person they had in mind when they came up with "social networking" sites!

Have fun and keep living life... But don't "friend" me unless you mean it!

The Power of Positive Speaking... Or Something Like That

Yesterday morning I woke up and, for some reason, started to realize why people in the past have referred to me as a "negative" person. People used to tell me all the time how depressing it was to be around me. Of course, back then I would blame them for not telling me this sooner so I could try to change my behavior around them. Hopefully, I'm little better than that now, but I still seem to have this tendency to say negative things. I'll say positive things, as well, but it seems they are typically prefaced by a negative comment. For example, in a discussion about favorite music I might respond to someones preference for country artist Travis Tritt with, "Oh, I don't like Travis Tritt! I've always liked Depeche Mode." And, sometimes I accidentally say things like this in a way that comes off as condescending or just belittling. People don't like this and eventually turn away from me. I probably would have kept a few more friends down through the years if instead of prefacing my comments with a negative, I just spoke the positive comment, "Oh, okay. I've always liked Depeche Mode."

While trying to do a little research for this post I came across a web page for the book The Positive Power of Negative Thinking, by Julie Norem, Ph.D. On the web page for the book there is a description of what the author refers to as "defensive pessimism". According to Dr. Norem, defensive pessimism is sort of a learned coping mechanism where people will think of all the negative things which could possibly happen so that, if the bottom falls out of their plans, they don't get overly anxious about the outcome. According to the little quiz on the website, I qualify as a defensive pessimist, however I'd have to say that for every situation that it helps me cope with, there is another situation where it ends up getting in my way.

For negativity to be more effective than ineffective you have to pick and choose when to use it. It can't be a broad spectrum tactic because, as I eluded to earlier, negativity pushes people away. People don't want to hang around someone who essentially belittles their favorite things. People don't want to be around someone who can't immediately identify where they want to go hang out without giving an extensive list of where they don't want to hang out. And they don't want to have a romantic relationship with someone who is always expecting the worst, and broadcasting those expectations, out of every situation.

This loosely relates to why Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination in early summer. I'm not saying she was inherently negative... that's for more experienced political analysts to judge. However, negative people tend to be very self-centered people. After all, their worries are not about "you" they are about "me". They don't have time to care about what will happen to you, they only have concern for what will happen to themselves. Some will disagree with this assessment, I'm sure, but I've always believed that Hillary Clinton lost because she preferred the words "I" and "Me" where Barack Obama preferred the use of "You" and "We". Her speeches were always filled with "I've done this, I've worked for that, Vote for Me and I'll do this for You." In this context, You is a positive, because people like to hear about themselves, and I or Me are negatives because the speaker is spending more time talking about themselves. So, as Obama once said in a debate, Hillary Clinton was "likable enough", but just not.

So, if you're looking for ways to attract or maintain more friendships and relationships it may serve you well to watch your language. Who knows, it might even make you President one day.

Have fun, and keep living life... or some approximation thereof!