Taking a Break From All Your Worries

I'm trying to consume healthier sweets

Now that it's Spring Break, I have some time to catch up on things.

A couple weeks ago, I went to Student Health Services to have my blood glucose checked. After the whole Dunkin' Donuts fiasco I was worried about my health. The doctor there recommended that I lose at least 20 pounds, and try to eat healthier, of course. My test results were emailed to me a few days later and reported that, while I wasn't officially diabetic, my blood glucose level was high enough to be considered "pre-diabetic", a term which means I'm basically screwed if I don't do something about my health soon. I guess it is better to know than be in the dark. Since I got the results, I've been trying to cut back on sweets, and eat more vegetables. I still eat sweets 2-3 days a week, but that's better than the 5-6 days a week I was doing prior to going to the doctor. Since the blood test is able to detect glucose levels for a three month period, I'll try to go back for another glucose test in the fall to see if things have improved.

During the two weeks prior to Spring Break, all of my courses held their mid-term exams. I managed to make a 100 (A+) in Behavioral Research, and B- in Philosophy of Science. I don't know, yet, what I made in Modern American History or Western Lit, but I feel pretty confident that I made at least a B+ on each of the exams.

Speaking of Western Lit, the Sexy Scot implied during class a few weeks ago that she is a lesbian. I don't have any problems with gays or lesbians, but I still felt sad when I heard the implication. Why did I feel sad? Well, because my professor clearly won't be having sex with me since she is in a relationship with another woman. It has nothing to do with me being fat, old, broke, or one of her students! No, potential lesbianism is apparently too strong a piece of evidence for even my incredibly strong power of self-delusion to set aside!

A Socialist Storm is Coming

Over the last few weeks I've been reading articles and watching video clips which have me convinced that the US is slowly and inevitably edging closer to socialism. And I, for one, will welcome its arrival with zeal.

First, there was an article from The New York Times which discussed Norway's continued economic prosperity in the face of the global monetary downturn. Thanks to the idea that government should exist to benefit its citizenry, Norway saved/invested hundreds of billions of dollars as a sort of rainy day fund. As a result, the nation was able to continue serving the needs of the people without any major disruptions. In fact, their economy has actually grown slightly during the downturn. I seem to recall that the US had a similar budget surplus at the end of the Clinton administration. Of course that was before the "wisdom" of George W. Bush took care of that when he chose to give the money "back to the people" to spend as they saw fit.

Then, there were the plethora of articles I read over at World Changing which show that, again and again, it is Europe which is leading the way in the movement to combat global climate change. As before, the European ethic of working together toward the societal greater good pushes them to innovate in the fields of energy production, conservation, and sustainable land use management.

But what do these topics have to do with the US? Well, I think that, thanks to the Internet, more Americans are becoming aware of the fact that the so-called socialist nations of Europe have already come up with effective solutions to the problems which plague our society, but with few, if any, of the negative consequences which US conservatives have attempted to use to vilify those solutions.

Take, for instance, this article from Wired about the socialist nature of the open-source movement. Literally millions of people take advantage of, and participate in, the open-source movement in one form or another. All are encouraged to share their information and resources freely with the rest of the world. People voluntarily pool their talents to create free software solutions (such as Gimp and Open Office) which rival the best, most expensive, software on the market. There are even open-source architectural solutions being devised to solve global housing deficiencies. All of this contributes to the greater good of the larger society. Add to that the benefits of flexibility and diversity of resources inherent in an open-source mindset, explained in some detail in this talk from TED, and you can see that the lumbering corporate mindset endemic to capitalistic business organizations could, one day soon, be a thing of the past.

Of course, in a way, capitalism is already forcing us to live as socialists. The consolidation of companies, thanks to deregulation, has forced most people to now do the work of two or three people and to work 60 or more hours a week even though their salary only compensates them for 40 hours! It isn't much different than being an open-sourcer, when you think about it. You're voluntarily doing more work for no extra compensation because you think its for the greater good. Although, capitalism convinces you that the "greater good" is you keeping your job rather than your job actually being beneficial to those around you. There are some companies which have made efforts to take care of their employees first, such as Malden Mills (makers of Polartec fleece) which continued to pay its staff while their factory was being rebuilt after an explosion. Unfortunately, those stories are too few and too far between to be considered a trend just yet.

I'm looking forward to the changes which our society will undergo over the next decade or two. Eventually we may learn that doing what is right for our fellow man can ultimately become the most American thing we can do.

Have fun and keep living life... and start working for the greater good.

To Boldy Go, or Just to Go

I, like many others in America, went to see the reboot of Star Trek tonight. It was good. I'm not sure if it was $9.50 good, but it was good. There were a ton of gorgeous CG effects, action, and comedy. As long as you aren't an uber Trek fanboi who has memorized the canon you should enjoy the movie. I've always loved Trek but have also always been bothered, as a writer, by how easily people allow themselves to ruin good storytelling by getting WAY too engrossed in the "canon" of a particular series. Sometimes details have to take a backseat to the story you want to tell.

That said, I felt a little uncomfortable while I was there, supposedly as part of a geek-themed Meetup group. The problem was that no one in the group acknowledged my presence. I suppose I could have been bold and made myself more known to all of them, but there were about 20 people in the group and I just felt out of place. I sat near the other group members during the movie, but I was really alone. I may try to attend another group event that has a smaller attendance and see if that helps. So far the Doctor Who group that I've been attending has been quite inviting, but I just didn't feel the same from the Geek group.

It seems like the only place where I really feel comfortable is at school. In class I'm bold and assertive. I have no problem talking to people and feeling like I'm in control of my situation. Making friends at school is a challenge due to the age barrier that I've already addressed, but I can still gather a small number of acquaintances. School has always been my comfort zone and time spent away from it feels awkward. If only the other students would age along with me.

By the way, I made an A in Developmental and a B in Environmental, just as I expected. I'm still awaiting my Philosophy grade, but I had the final exam this morning and I wasn't impressed with my performance. The exam consisted of three essay questions totalling 20% of our final grade! I don't think I did better than an 80 on the exam, so I can kiss that A I had going into the exam goodbye!

Now that the semester is over I want to get back into my writing. My novels have been taunting me with an urgency to be written. Even if I merely committed to write a page a day I would make some significant progress over the next 90-100 days before the Fall semester begins. I won't have time to write for myself during the next semester because I will have to devote all my effort into getting good grades if I have any hope of transferring into NC State's Psychology program.

You know, it is probably no coincidence that I am desperate to start writing again now that the three year anniversary of my breakup with Ex is imminent.

Have I mentioned how lonely I feel?

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

Grotesque and Mundane

The semester is winding down. Exam week is the first full week of May, then I'm done until Fall. Unless something drastic happens I expect to either make 3 Bs, 2 Bs and an A, or (this is least likely) 2 As and a B. I entered the semester needing straight As, but I'm not too bothered right now. Next Fall will be the worst semester to date as far as pressure to do well is concerned.

To that end, I will need to register for classes this weekend. I'm hoping I can get into all classes I want and need. Since all the classes are do overs, scheduling will be my biggest concern for now. The humanities class is an afternoon seminar, so it won't be as hard to schedule as the two math classes and the literature class. I still haven't decided which literature class to take.

Last Thursday, my philosophy professor had us watch clips of art films to determine what qualified as art and what truths about life, if any, were revealed by the clips. Among the clips we watched were The Amputee and Lumiere from David Lynch, of Twin Peaks and Mulholland Dr. fame. The clips were horrifying in their juxtaposition of the grotesque with the mundane, a concept Lynch has revisited in several of his professional works. It is hard to fully explain the clips, or why I found them so horrifying, but as a result I've been afraid of silence and the dark ever since. Only now am I getting back to being able to sleep in the dark, even though I have to keep a podcast running on my iPhone while I fall asleep.

In more mundane news, I finally broke down and joined Meetup and signed up for three groups thus far. One of the groups, one devoted to Doctor Who, had two meetups this week that I attended. The group gets together mostly to watch episodes of the show which has been running on the BBC off and on since the early 1960s. The group is largely made of 30-40 somethings but since they have a narrow focus (love of a TV show) there isn't enough there to make me feel like I don't fit in. And, besides, watching TV with other people is more social than sitting at home alone. We'll see how well I fit in with the other groups I joined.

My financial experiment hit another snag. Due to a minor miscalculation which I won't go into except to say that investment websites really should give you real-time quotes for free, my investment account has been reverted back so I can only use funds from "settled trades" again. This is quite a significant blow to my experiment at a time when I really needed some expediency to build my account up. As it stands now, I once again have to wait three days between trades before I can buy new stocks. Since my account had only grown to $3000 when this happened, and I'm forced to take out $1000 for the next month's expenses, I've essentially been made to restart from scratch again!

That seems almost as grotesque as a David Lynch film!

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

Too Much Information...

Are you comfortable in your own skin? I'm not really, but then you probably already figured that out if you've been following my blog for any amount of time. I try to be comfortable in my skin, but then I invariably do something which is apparently socially unacceptable.

The thing about me is that on some deep level (okay, it ain't that deep!) I really enjoy saying whatever is on my mind and seeing how other people react. For some reason, most people don't seem comfortable with the level of honesty that I'm willing to convey. For instance, about a decade ago, while at a party, I was talking to a bunch of people I'd never met. I confessed that I had once dated a girl who wasn't really that into me purely based on the fact that I enjoyed giving her oral pleasure. The group went totally silent. I thought it was hilarious! I mean, they had been sharing stories about people they had dated, so I wanted to tell my own story. It seemed like the most amusing story I could tell at the time. Hell, I still think it's amusing!

And there was the time in General Psychology when the professor was discussing the mental and physiological processes involved in hunger. She mentioned how the pains of hunger go away and re-occur after a certain amount of time until you actually eat something. I chose to reveal, to an auditorium of at least one hundred students, that she wasn't correct. I then proceeded to recount my personal experience of starving myself as a form of personal punishment, when I was experiencing severe depression, and how the feeling of hunger would only return once or twice in the first twelve hours. Then I wouldn't feel any hunger again for at least three or four days, and once went a full seven before feeling anything. However, once I started to eat, my hunger hit me like a truck! Well, half the auditorium turned around and stared at me like I was crazy. Even the professor was flabbergasted for a moment. I was just sharing personal experience... I'm not sure why everyone was so freaked out by it. And in a psychology class, no less!

I wish I could feel comfortable being who I am, but it seems like a given that if I want to be socially proficient I have to be willing to wear a mask of some kind 99% of the time. I can't even be my true self around my friends or loved ones as evidenced by the people on Facebook who have threatened to de-friend me or have otherwise complained that my updates or comments have been a bit too revealing.

It's hard to tell the world to go fuck themselves when I feel such a desire to become socially connected with people. I don't want to have hundreds of friends, but I want five or six who really GET me and have fun with me while letting me be me. What good is being close with people if they don't see you for who you really are? And if you are only my friend so long as I hide behind a mask, what happens if and when the mask breaks?

Perhaps it is a fault in my logic to want everyone else to adapt to me rather than me adapting to everyone else. But I guess it speaks to how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. Maybe the mask has to be there as much for my own protection as for yours.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

The New Face(book) of Old Friends

Ever since I signed up for Facebook I've been surprised by the people who have come out of the woodwork to "friend" me. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that being on Facebook has stretched the definition of the word "friend" beyond a rational level of credulity. I'm now "friends" with people I rarely talk to in the dance community, people I rarely spoke to in high school, people I haven't even seen in 20 years, and people that I rarely talk to but wish I would get a chance to talk to more often.

In fact, while I thought that social networking sites were supposed to bring us closer together, my experience has been that Facebook has actually made me feel farther apart from people by constantly reminding me of relationships which aren't on the level that I wish they were.

Take, for instance, my long time friend Julie. I've known her for a dozen years and yet we've never been as close as I would have liked. That's probably my fault, since I've never really known how to act around her. Julie is someone whom I've always considered far too beautiful, far too successful, and far too socially adept to be connected to me. I had a crush on her for years beginning on the day we met, but that was never meant to be. Nowadays, she's married and living on the other side of the continent. We talk on the phone for about an hour twice a year, during which time she bores the living crap out of me with stories of her friends' lives. For my part, I pretend to listen as much as possible since hearing her voice feels better than not.

I'd like to say that being Julie's "friend" on Facebook has made me feel closer to her, but instead, as is the case with several of my real life friends, I feel like the geek in the corner of the room watching the popular kids joking around and having a good time. Sure, the geek is friends with one or two of the popular kids, but he doesn't want to risk doing or saying the wrong thing and upsetting his "friends" around all of the other popular kids, thereby taking a chance of being de-"friended". You know, it's like being in middle school all over again!

And why do people ask to "friend" me if they have ZERO intention of talking to me? Almost all of the people from high school that have "friended" me haven't messaged me ONCE since I accepted their friend request! Let's face it, we've lived in the same city for 20 freaking years without ever seeing each other. So, unless you actually intend to get caught up with me, don't bother asking to "friend" me! We aren't FRIENDS! Honestly, when I get the request it just forces me to spend 10 minutes trying to remember who the hell you are!

Maybe I'm not the type of person they had in mind when they came up with "social networking" sites!

Have fun and keep living life... But don't "friend" me unless you mean it!