Still Alive...

Have Portal Gun Will Travel

Despite the long break since my last posting, I am still alive. I managed to have a brief reprieve from absolute destitution in the form of a job. I worked for four months as a car salesman for a local car dealership before the franchise was sold to a competitor and I was laid off, having been a recent hire with no established sales track record. It happens, although I wish that I had been able to keep the job a little bit longer, for no other reason than I was finally able to eat regularly. I even went out to eat at The Raleigh Times a few times. If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend their burgers, and the Blatherskite Scottish Ale from the Raleigh Brewing Company. It sort of tastes like the perfect blend of Red Stripe and Stella Artois, my two favorite beers. I would say that it has the clean taste of Stella without the astringent quality, and the deep flavor of Red Stripe without the bitter aftertaste.

Now that I'm back to being unemployed, I am largely in the same position as I was during the first five months of the year. I desperately search the online job postings every day in search of some job which would serve my needs, hoping that I get callbacks for the jobs I want, and feel vaguely qualified for, rather than the jobs which I would only accept based on pure desperation for a steady paycheck. And, as before, I don't seem to get called for the good paying office gigs I would like, nor the low paying grocery store/fast food/convenience store jobs which I would take to benefit my survival. With unemployment in the city still hovering around 6-7%, I don't have a lot of expectations that things will improve quickly. And, with the recent government shutdown adding pressure to social safety nets which were already in a precarious state thanks to the inconsistent moral values of our elected "leaders", I am stuck wondering when my hopes for a better future will ever be realized.

One Thing Leads to Another

What a week! It definitely had its ups and downs. It started easily enough. I turned in my final paper in American Literature, then I skipped out on my reviews in my other classes. Since my grades have been good all semester I didn't really need the reviews. I worked on my final presentation in Humanities, a lecture on Colony Collapse Disorder.

Then Wednesday hit. I was dealt not one, but TWO bad pieces of news. First, I was denied acceptance to NC State due to my grades. I had known it was a little bit of a long shot, since I wasn't even close to the 3.0 GPA requirement, but it was still a disappointment. For about an hour I entertained the possibility of applying to UNC Asheville, since they only require a 2.0 GPA minimum. The problem with UNCA is that I would have to move to Asheville, and that is an extra hassle and expense that I don't want to deal with.

The second bit of bad news involved financial aid. Thanks to my failing two classes several semesters ago, and withdrawing from British Literature last semester, my course completion rate fell to 64%. Unfortunately, it needs to be at least 67% to qualify for financial aid. According to the Financial Aid Office, my completion rate will probably be back above 67% after I finish exams for this semester, but until that gets processed through the system I will have to pay for tuition and books out of my own pocket! The problem, of course, is that I am down to my last $1000 of financial aid money. And since I won't be seeing anymore money until February, I really need that money to live on. Naturally, that creates a conundrum, since if I don't use the money to pay tuition I won't receive ANY financial aid in February because I won't actually be enrolled in school! In other words, I am really over a barrel on this one.

Exams went well, though. My final presentation for Humanities was pretty good. Then, my two math exams were easy. I should make an A in Survey of Math. My American Literature exam was a killer, though. The quote identification section was easy, but we had to write two page and a half long essays with text citations. The essays were worth 30 points EACH! I'll be lucky to make a B in that class. I enjoyed American Literature, but it was definitely a challenge.

My Statistics exam is Monday, but I'm not worried. My professor gave us an Excel spreadsheet to calculate our grades, and I only need a 68 on the final to still make an A in the class. Since I never made less than a 93 on any of the tests, I should sail through easily.

Now, if I could just figure out how to get $650 by next Friday, I'd feel alot better about my life.

Have fun, and keep living life... Or some approximation thereof.

Exam Week

Next week is Exam Week. I have Environmental Geology Monday afternoon, Developmental Psychology Thursday morning, and Philosophy Friday morning. This past week I made an A on a test in Developmental, a C on a test in Environmental, and an A on a Philosophy paper. I'm in a pretty good place right now and could easily end up with 2 A's and a B for the semester. Of course, that assumes that I make A's on each of my final exams which, while being unlikely, doesn't seem impossible.

I'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now. Thanks to my decision to drop British Literature earlier in the semester, this is the best semester I've had so far. I loved all my classes and I feel as though I've learned a lot.

Still, I'm concerned about my exams. They won't be easy. For Environmental I need to go back and read over the chapters on earthquakes, volcanoes, and coastal processes, which were among my weakest sections during the semester. It's unlikely I'll make an A on the exam, but I'd love a solid B to lock in my current B average in the class. I think I'd need a 96 or better on the exam in order to get an A in the class, but that isn't even remotely possible since my highest test grade so far has been an 88.

For Developmental my concern is that we will have to be able to, completely from memory, list all eight of Erikson's stages of development, with the issues to be resolved, and the corresponding virtues gained. Oh yeah, they have to be in order, too! That's on top of the 60 multiple choice questions which I'm less worried about. Right now I have an 88 in the Dr. Mike's class, so I only need an extra two points on my average to get the A. If I can get at least a 90 on the final I'm guaranteed to get it.

Philosophy is a bit worrisome to me though I don't know why. I think I have a solid A in the class right now, but Gandy doesn't post grades during the semester. Still, I made a 90 on the first test, an 80 on the second test, an A on the first paper, and a 90 on our make-up day assignment. We haven't gotten our grades back on our second paper, but I don't see any reason why I wouldn't have made an A on it as well. That means that the exam can only hurt me at this point; it can't give me a better grade than I already have. Having to defend an A is not a position I'm used to being in.

I plan to study for my Environmental and Developmental exams, but there isn't a good way to study for the Philosophy final since Gandy wants us to apply our philosophical knowledge to readings he'll provide on exam day. At this point, I can only hope for the best.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof!

Another One Bites the Dust

I had to make a hard decision today. I chose to drop my British Literature class. I'm not sure why, but rather than feel like I made a good decision I feel like I failed somehow. This is the first time I've ever dropped a class even though there were several in the past that I probably should have in order to protect my GPA. By dropping the class I insure that a low grade will not lower my already injured (2.54) GPA.

Part of the problem comes with the fact that, in order to drop the class, I had to get the professor to sign off on the form for me to drop. I've mentioned that I wasn't really in love with her as a professor (Okay, so, without ANY evidence whatsoever to support this, I called her a Dick Cheney-loving dominatrix... but not to her face!), but when she asked me my reason for dropping the class I actually felt bad for her! I didn't want to hurt her feelings for some reason. Now, understand that I had already planned out that I was going to just go ahead and tell her that I felt she was condescending and that if we were in the corporate world her teaching style would be equivalent to that of a micro-manager who picks at every little detail of his underlings tasks, and how I don't appreciate that level of specificity because it insults my intelligence and gives me the sense that my work and talent isn't being respected, and if she doesn't like how students write papers at this level she should just feel free to give them Ds or Fs rather than laying out every single point that she wants presented in a paper. Instead, I meekly commented that I wasn't enjoying British Literature as much as I had hoped I would, and that I just didn't think her teaching style meshed with how I like to work as a student. For her part, she politely recommended I take a literature course taught by a professor who by coincidence I've had before and is, according to her, "less structured" in his teaching style and looks at everything from a "communist" point of view! I have to admit, the professor in question DOES sort of look at things with a communist point of view, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing!

I've been trying to figure out why I backed down from telling the professor how I really felt about her. Some might say that I'm "maturing" or "becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others" in my old age, but I think that's a load of bullshit! I think it has something to do with the power differential between us. You see, in normal classroom situations (ones where I feel glad to be there) I am incredibly outspoken with a mix of insightful comments and wry sarcasm. In those environments, I feel as though I'm an equal (perhaps even occasionally superior) to the professor. It would be completely natural to let those professors know EXACTLY how I feel about them because I didn't hold anything back during standard class time. Unfortunately, I never felt at home in my Brit Lit professor's classroom. Rather, I would sit there quietly staring at her PowerPoint presentations, rarely making eye contact, trying to avoid being called on, absolutely never interjecting my own thoughts, and just trying to pretend that I wasn't there while still showing up enough not to go over my allotment of permissible absences. The assignments I did turn in all made As, but I just didn't want to be there. I didn't want to work for her. I didn't want to impress her. And I didn't want to connect with her as a human being.

I guess that's why I feel so bad about dropping her class. In that one brief minute that it took to get her to sign the form I was forced, for once, to consider that she was a person with feelings and a life outside of the classroom. Granted, by tomorrow (certainly by next week) she will likely have forgotten all about me as a student. And perhaps that's the way it should be. Because for her to remember me beyond next week would have meant that I had to make an impact. And to make an impact, at least in that moment, would have meant that I had to be rude and insensitive and try to take away, for a time however brief, another person's sense of self-esteem. In doing so, ultimately, I would have gained nothing but a fleeting sense of ego-inflation. I can get that somewhere else.

By the way, I got my first test grades back from all my other classes and I made an A (90) in Philosophy, a B (88) in Environmental Geology, and a C (76) in Human Development, though Dr. Mike will drop our lowest test grade and I expect to make an A on my paper in the class so I'm still in okay shape there, for now.

Have fun, and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

My College Milieu, or How to Win in School Without Really Trying

Sorry for not posting the last couple of days. I'm sure the legions of readers I'm slowly gathering hang on every word like a meth addict at a rundown trailer park. Sometimes college gets in the way of the really important things in life, like goofing off on the internet!

Anyway, since this blog is partially about my life as I work through college I should at least talk some about my current run of classes. I'm required to take College Algebra and I HATE math. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. The truth is I HATE THE TEXAS INSTRUMENTS TI-84 GRAPHING CALCULATOR! Whomever invented this thing needs to have it shoved up his ass, pulled out, washed off, then shoved up his ass again while he feeds on broken glass! And don't even get me started on Microsoft Excel. On top of having to struggle through the Sisyphian task of using that calculator I have to deal with a professor who thinks ass is a dirty word! I can't call a fellow classmate a smartass without her telling me to watch my language. I'm pretty sure that originally the term smartass wasn't referring to a person's ass but rather a donkey; and since smartdonkey just doesn't have the same umph as calling someone a smartass they chose to run with it. Ass is even in the Bible for Christ's sake! I do like the other students who sit on the front row with me. Even though they're all 15 years younger than me and make me feel like a borderline pedophile when I hang out with them they're pretty cool kids.

Next is Abnormal Psychology. Now, of course, being a wannabe Psych major means that this class should be a breeze. And so far it is. I managed to make an A on my first test and I only read one of the three chapters covered. I also missed alot of school because of sleep concerns. My professor is a short, late 40s, perky Doctor who has actually done some private practice. I tend to be the most talkative in class and she has pulled me aside to say that she thinks I would probably do well in Graduate School, but she would like for me to not pose so many questions in reference to my own personal experiences with therapy. Apparently, it makes other students uncomfortable, although no one has said anything to me, so whatever. I'm not afraid of my issues, they are part of who I am and my struggles to deal with them are something to be proud of, seeing as how so many people are afraid to enter therapy, or can't afford it when they really need it.

Then there is my World Civilizations class. Oh BOY is that class interesting. My professor is a gruff Italian-American who clearly needs estrogen therapy to counteract his glaringly obvious overabundance of testosterone. I love busting his chops in class. I'm always saying or doing something to get under his skin. I can't tell if I'm torturing the guy or entertaining him. This is a guy who, while he denies this on its face, believes that any culture that didn't kill a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE, and subjugate the weak, was a culture of wussies! He easily spent five days lecturing us on the battle tactics of the Roman Empire. And another two days on Sparta. I was half expecting that our test was going to cover the movie 300! Believe it or not, there actually WAS a question on the test related to movie, although it wasn't openly framed that way. I'll find out what I made on the test next week. I figure I either did pretty well or pretty crappy. It was one of those tests.

And then there's Humanities 220, Human Values and Meaning. I love this course. I get to use my mind and think for a change. It is a three hour seminar class on Thursdays, and is taught jointly by an English professor whom I've had before, and a Philosophy professor. The class is reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It seems like a pretty good book, although I've only read the first six chapters. The rest of the class is about to finish the book next week. I'm such a slackass sometimes. I like the book, and yet I allowed myself to get really behind on the reading. But then, for some reason, I've NEVER finished any book that I claim to have loved, with the exception of George Orwell's 1984. I've never finished Brave New World, A Separate Peace, A Catcher in the Rye, or The Fountainhead. I don't know what my problem is with books. I just hate to finish them. At any rate, ZAMM is all about the search for quality in the world around us, and what defines that quality. Is there such a thing an objective quality which can be quantified, or is it all in our heads, like the Supreme Court Justice who once said,"I can't define obscenity, but I know it when I see it." I'm probably going to make an A in HUM 220 without really trying.

So, what does all of this have to do with you? Probably nothing. But ever since high school I've truly enjoyed going to school. It's a place where I can pretty easily shine above most of the others around me if I want, or I can be a slacker and still get by with fairly good grades. I know not everyone shares my enthusiam for learning. Many seem to see it as nothing more than a means to an end. But I deeply value the idea that I get to learn something new everyday. I get to see new details about life around me. I have an opportunity to open my mind and consider previously unthought of possibilities. If you are in school now, or considering returning, try to immerse yourself in learning for learning's sake. Don't worry about the grades so much. They'll come on their own as you fully engage your curiosity. Just sit back, relax, and let your education absorb into your life; let it become a part of you. You might just find out that things aren't as hard or boring as you previously believed.

Have fun, and keep living life... or some approximation thereof!