Grotesque and Mundane

The semester is winding down. Exam week is the first full week of May, then I'm done until Fall. Unless something drastic happens I expect to either make 3 Bs, 2 Bs and an A, or (this is least likely) 2 As and a B. I entered the semester needing straight As, but I'm not too bothered right now. Next Fall will be the worst semester to date as far as pressure to do well is concerned.

To that end, I will need to register for classes this weekend. I'm hoping I can get into all classes I want and need. Since all the classes are do overs, scheduling will be my biggest concern for now. The humanities class is an afternoon seminar, so it won't be as hard to schedule as the two math classes and the literature class. I still haven't decided which literature class to take.

Last Thursday, my philosophy professor had us watch clips of art films to determine what qualified as art and what truths about life, if any, were revealed by the clips. Among the clips we watched were The Amputee and Lumiere from David Lynch, of Twin Peaks and Mulholland Dr. fame. The clips were horrifying in their juxtaposition of the grotesque with the mundane, a concept Lynch has revisited in several of his professional works. It is hard to fully explain the clips, or why I found them so horrifying, but as a result I've been afraid of silence and the dark ever since. Only now am I getting back to being able to sleep in the dark, even though I have to keep a podcast running on my iPhone while I fall asleep.

In more mundane news, I finally broke down and joined Meetup and signed up for three groups thus far. One of the groups, one devoted to Doctor Who, had two meetups this week that I attended. The group gets together mostly to watch episodes of the show which has been running on the BBC off and on since the early 1960s. The group is largely made of 30-40 somethings but since they have a narrow focus (love of a TV show) there isn't enough there to make me feel like I don't fit in. And, besides, watching TV with other people is more social than sitting at home alone. We'll see how well I fit in with the other groups I joined.

My financial experiment hit another snag. Due to a minor miscalculation which I won't go into except to say that investment websites really should give you real-time quotes for free, my investment account has been reverted back so I can only use funds from "settled trades" again. This is quite a significant blow to my experiment at a time when I really needed some expediency to build my account up. As it stands now, I once again have to wait three days between trades before I can buy new stocks. Since my account had only grown to $3000 when this happened, and I'm forced to take out $1000 for the next month's expenses, I've essentially been made to restart from scratch again!

That seems almost as grotesque as a David Lynch film!

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

The Ebb and Flow of My Personal Economy

I spent the day being responsible for a change. I did my taxes and renewed my FAFSA information for the next school year. It cost over $80 to do my federal and state taxes online. This is the first year I tried doing it that way, but since I had to claim all of the stock trades I did last year I couldn't use the 1040 EZ form that I've used in the past. At least its done now.

I'm hoping that the info on my FAFSA will help me get a decent amount of financial aid in the fall. Since I didn't have a job after getting fired in late July my income was pretty low. In fact, for the first time in a decade, I'm actually going to get a tax refund this year of around $250.

This school year I had the luxury of living completely on financial aid. Granted, I've now racked up about $5000 in student loans so far, but I suppose that is par for the course for many college students these days. Hell, even Barack and Michelle Obama were still paying off their college loans as of a few years ago.

My financial experiment is FINALLY starting to have some positive movement. After over a month of falling and stagnating in value it seems the market is starting to pick back up for a change. Unfortunately, my stock in Citadel Broadcasting lost half its value when they chose to move to the OTC (over the counter) market. It was already insanely low ($0.11 a share!) when it was de-listed. Sadly, OTC stocks don't have as much dynamism in price since they aren't traded as heavily as those on the NYSE, for example. I'm still holding on to it, for now, in the expectation that it will eventually bounce back before I absolutely have to withdraw it.

Luckily, the other $1000 of my initial investment has been rising. My total experiment is now worth about $2600, in spite of the 50% loss in value of my Citadel stock. That figures out to about a $1000 increase since I began. I am hoping that a combination of good luck and aggressive trading will get me up to around $4000 total by May 1st when I will have no choice but to take out $1000 to get through the month.

The really frustrating part of relying on financial aid for my living expenses is how to make the money last until my next aid check, which in this case isn't expected until probably late September at the earliest. That was one of the big reasons I chose to engage in this financial experiment in the first place. I wanted to see what was possible rather than accepting what was rational. Let's face it, no fully rational mind would think of doing this. The risk is too great (as I've already experienced) and the rewards are left up to too much chance. Still, it seems like less of a risk (to me, anyway) than just taking $2000 to a casino or buying lottery tickets.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

Marching in Place

March has been one of those months where things happen but nothing really moves forward. Odd, considering that the month is called "march".

Earlier this month I had tests again in my classes. I made an 80 (B) in Philosophy, an 86 (B) in Human Development, and a 72 (C) in Environmental Geology. I could have done better in Environmental, but I didn't keep up with the reading as well as I should have. This past week has been Spring Break, although I didn't do anything except stay at home and sleep at odd hours. Next week I need to work on papers as I have a five page paper due in both Human Development and Philosophy, and a two page paper due in Environmental Geology.

While practicing saber spins with my newest lightsaber I accidentally dropped it in such a way that the end cap came off and the battery pack slipped out and broke. Now, since the damage was my fault, I'm going to have to buy a new battery pack and learn how to solder the wiring so I can replace the broken one. Fortunately, a new battery pack only costs a couple bucks, and a new soldering iron less than $20. Still, it beats the shipping costs of sending the saber back in and paying for the repair.

I haven't mentioned my financial experiment because, much like this month, it hasn't gone anywhere. Thanks to the topsy turvy market over the last few weeks I've managed to lose $1000 and make almost all of it back, all without buying or selling stocks once!

The incident with Elizabeth helped to reinforce an idea which has been brewing inside me for about a year, namely that I need to find other 30-somethings to hang out with. I haven't enjoyed swing dancing for months because the crowd has been leaning more toward a 50-something age range over the last year. And, as much as I'd like to, I'll never really fit in with college aged kids who, on some level, see me as the "creepy old guy"!

The reason I sat at home and did nothing this past week is that I didn't feel as though I had anyone to do anything with. The friends who are my age, whom I relate to, are all living in Florida, Georgia, or California. In a way, for all the ways in which my life has progressed over the last few years, I'm still in the exact same position as I was the day I first met Ex. It's as though I've been marching in place the whole time. The only difference is I'm less likely to have a scowl on my face as I do it.

I feel like I've fallen through the cracks socially. In high school I felt more comfortable around teachers than around kids my own age. Then, I eventually fell off the face of the Earth for ten years as I chose to lock myself in the dungeon of the radio station. Now that I'm finally free I have no idea where or when to go to meet people my own age.

They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. For me, at least, as I reflect on my situation, I'd have to say it's the other way around.

Have fun and keep living life... or some approximation thereof.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

Ah, finally an influx of cash! My financial aid check for this semester came in and I'm now the proud owner of $5400! Well, okay, not really. I owed $400 to the bank, $350 to AT&T, and then my desire to splurge on new toys kicked in.

I ordered a new duel-worthy lightsaber from Ultrasabers for $90 including shipping, and bought a new 320GB Western Digital SATA drive for my computer, which I somehow failed miserably to install, for $80. I think the drive was dead, but I have no way to be sure unless I take my machine to the shop and pay them $60 to diagnose the problem. Of course, that thought led me back to Best Buy for a 500GB Seagate USB external drive so that I could port all my porn off the old drive before taking the machine in for work. There's nothing illegal on my drive, but I just don't need the guys at the shop knowing of my predilections for hot moms and lusty college girls! And, just for the record, my old drive is only 80GB, and no, it wasn't completely filled with porn... only about 40GB!

After my assorted expenditures, I had a bit over $4000 left, so I decided to begin my earlier financial experiment anew. This time I'm starting with $2000 instead of $1000 like before. This provides me with a couple of benefits over last time. For one thing, with $2000 I should be able to double my initial investment faster than before, and I can also divide my investment over more stocks at once which should provide some added security from the inevitable downturns which come from each stock individually. Also, my investment account was recently changed to allow trading with unsettled funds. Formerly, when this wasn't allowed, it slowed me down considerably because it forced me to wait three days between each buy/sell cycle. Now, I should be able to sell and buy all within the same day.

The thing is, right now I'm feeling antsy for things that cost money. I want to build a new computer so that I'll be ready to upgrade to Windows 7. My current rig was built exactly five years ago and just won't keep up with all the bells and whistles of newer software. Beyond that, little things are going wrong with my car (the AC doesn't work, the interior lights are shorting out, my rear defroster doesn't work, and there is an oil leak from faulty oil sensor switch), and I want to either get them fixed or get a newer, more fuel efficient, car than my 2000 Dodge Neon. And, to top it all off, I'd really like to buy a new bicycle. I haven't ridden a bike for at least 15 years, but I'd like to have a bike for short (under 5 miles) trips to the grocery store, and just general leisure and exercise. Plus, I'd like to be able to save a little gas by not hopping in my car and going for a drive whenever I'm bored. Good quality "city" bikes cost around $800-1000, and I would need a helmet and a bike rack for my car. I haven't even mentioned the fact that I would LOVE to go shopping for new clothes since many of my pants and shirts are wearing out.

Truth be told, I suppose my priority list should be in this order: Car, Clothes, Computer, Bike. Realistically, though, when it comes to money I've never been one for practicality. Knowing me, as soon as I can afford to do so, I'll get the bike, then clothes, then the computer, and I'll just drive my car until it explodes, whether or not I'm actually in it at the time!

Have fun and keep living life... But spend your money wisely!

Reality Sets In

Painting entitled "Screaming" by Louisa Giffard

It always does... Reality manages to creep itself back into everything I ever attempt to do. There's no way around it. Life just simply NEVER goes according to plan. It's such a pain in the ass!

My Financial Experiment tanked. A couple weeks ago I was all set to double my initial investment, and then some. If things had gone according to plan, I would already have over $3000, possibly closing in on $4000. Well, as I already said, nothing ever goes according to the plan. Instead, my investment dropped back down to $1000. That's not a big deal, you say. At least you didn't lose your initial investment. True, except I was counting on having at least $3000 by now so that I could take out my initial $1000 and have some money to live on (and still leave money in my experiment to grow and take out as needed) while I wait for my next batch of financial aid money to roll in sometime in February. Now, I'm forced to take out the whole $1000 so that I have money to live on, which will not, by itself, stretch until February.

That's not the only bad news. I am not going to pass College Algebra. It isn't possible. Perhaps if I had bothered to really do the homework diligently, and ask for assistance from my friends in class, I could have done it. But, that ship has passed. And an F on a transcript really fucks up your GPA. Little known fact: Do you know that's why they call it an F? It helps to reinforce the idea of just how truly FUCKED you are! Now, my recourse is to either take the class over again (in which case I would need an A in order to balance out the F so I could get a C) or take another math course (possibly Statistics) in which I would still need to make an A. Also, I have a few Ds on my transcript which will not transfer over to State (you need to have a C or better in a class for it to transfer), so you might already see where this is going.

Yep... It looks like I'm going to have to spend an extra semester at community college before I can apply and get accepted to NC State. Granted, it isn't the end of the world, by any means. After all, I waited 13 years to get my ass back to school. What's an extra semester in the scheme of things? Still, it does annoy me a bit. I'd like for things to stick to the plan once in awhile. It would make life so much easier.

At least with regard to the grades, I can't blame anyone but myself. I knew going into the class that math isn't an easy subject for me. It isn't like English or Psychology which I have a natural talent for; I have to actually do some work to get by in a math class. I chose not to do it. Sure, my old Nemesis, the calculator, didn't make things easier, but if I had done the homework everyday I would have eventually gotten the hang of it. It just isn't going to work to try and pawn this failure off on someone or something else.

You know, in the past, it's always been so much easier for me to blame my problems on things other than my own choices. I would say and think things like "it's because I was abused", or "nobody ever helps me", or "people just don't understand". Even if I did accept blame, it was a value judgement on me, like "I failed because I'm a bad person", or "I'm just no good at this". None of these ideas ever really helped me identify the real problem and come up with a solution. These rationales just made me feel worse about myself. Either I was a bad person, a born failure, or I was helpless and hopeless.

I'm not sure what's changed, but I don't see myself or my problems like that anymore. Maybe I don't want to see them that way anymore. Now, I can see that failing at something doesn't have to be about me as a person. Instead, falling short of expectations can be the result of poor choices. I can learn to make better choices. I can clearly identify what events led me to this point and I can say "this worked" or "this didn't work" and I can adjust my behavior to compensate.

I think I understand now why I haven't been feeling bad about this realization, and why I haven't been beating myself up over the bad grade. It feels empowering to look at the world in an objective way and, rather than personalizing the mistakes, being able to see a better course of action in front of me. I guess this is the way that people with a healthy level of self-esteem must react to setbacks.

Have fun, and keep living life... Or some approximation thereof!

Expectations, Projections, and Spark Plugs

I'll be glad when November 5th gets here and John Sydney McCain can return to 1/7th of his homes, call Sarah Palin a cunt or a trollope (as he is often want to do, apparently... Just ask Cindy McCain!), and bury his dreams of one day destroying America with a cigar, a vaguely unethical poker game at an Indian Casino, and a bottle of whiskey!

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let me update a few running topics:

1. I voted early for Obama, straight ticket Democrat for all state and national races, then for every judge and commissioner supported by the state teacher's union. It felt good to do my part to make the world a better place. I'm really hoping that North Carolina will turn blue on Election Night. It would feel good to know that over half of the state has evolved beyond race and bigotry. I was going to add stupidity, but that's probably hoping for WAY too much evolution at once.

2. I completed my first buy/sell cycle in my financial experiment. I am in the middle of the second cycle now. Within a week and a half I've managed to turn my $1000 initial investment into $1400. At this rate, if things go perfectly constant, I will have $100,000 by my birthday in May. Of course, nothing ever goes perfectly for me, but worst case scenario at this point seems be around $25,000 by May. I'd still be happy with that, seeing as how I've never made more than $22,000 in any given year by doing actual work.

3. Something is beyond wrong with me as far as school is concerned. I haven't written a single paper this semester, even though writing comes naturally to me. I just haven't felt like doing any work for some reason. It's interfering with my ability to post on this blog, to be quite frank! I feel guilty all the time because, obviously, my first priority SHOULD be to doing school work instead of posting, so after some deliberation I end up doing neither!

4. One of my friends from Algebra class, a guy named Chris, came over and replaced three of my four spark plugs and resurfaced my headlights so that they aren't foggy anymore. We could only get three of the plugs replaced because the fourth had apparently been cross threaded at the factory and couldn't be removed without risking damage to the threads in the cylinder where the plug was located. Also, we discovered oil pooling around two of the plugs which is either due to decayed gaskets or a crack in the engine. Best case scenario there is to replace the gaskets, which would still cost $500 because of the labor involved for a shop to remove the top of the engine. At any rate, I'm going to be waiting awhile before I do something about it.

As payment for the hard work, I took Chris out to lunch at a local Italian place near my apartment. We had a good time, and I felt as though I learned new things about him. In some ways, it seems, Chris and I are in similar situations except that Chris has a much more financially well-off family to fall back on if things go sour.

All in all, I suppose things are moving slowly forward. My car does seem to drive better with the new plugs installed; and it feels good to think that I might finally be investing in my financial future and that I may not have to feel trapped by economic woe for the rest of my life. I was surprised at how easy it seemed to actually change the spark plugs on my car. Ever since taking my HUM 220 class I've been getting more into vehicle maintenance and am continually surprised by how non-intimidating it all seems when you have the right people around to explain it to you. If I could ever get around to buying proper tools I wouldn't mind doing some of the basic maintenance on my own. It would certainly save money, that's for sure.

By the way, I've noticed a few people have been checking out the blog lately, so what do you guys think, so far? What's going on in your own lives which may parallel some of the things I've been mentioning up to now? Any thoughts on topics you might want me to discuss later? Feel free to leave comments below.

Have fun, and keep living life... or some approximation thereof!