Monday, May 11, 2009

If I Ruled the World

Image is of Light Yagami from the anime series Death Note

When I'm bored I often pass the time with thoughts of how I would love to rule the world. Admittedly, my fantasies are primarily the jurisdiction of the United States, but I think just being President would be insufficient for some of the things I'd like to accomplish.

Here is a list of some of the things I would love to do if I were the Benevolent Overlord of the World:

1. Force all 535 members of the US Senate and House of Representatives to attend the annual TED Conference. Annual exposure to some of the greatest minds in the western world might reduce some of the shame and stupidity endemic to our nation's lawmaking body.

2. Put Monsanto and other large scale agribusiness firms out of business. These companies hurt the environment and put family farms out of business with unethical legal practices (lawsuits, lobbying for subsidies), thereby increasing the need for agribusiness to pick up the food production slack.

3. Force all credit card companies to cap interest rates at 15%. Now, credit card companies can charge 25% or more in interest, imprisoning their customers in an interminable cycle of debt. And they have the nerve to say they can't make money otherwise. I've got news for you guys, we all know that the costs of doing business have actually declined thanks to computerization. You guys are just selfish bastards!

4. Chain Dick Cheney to a wall, naked, with jumper cables attached on one end to his testicles and on the other end to my car's battery. I don't have a reason for this one, other than my own personal pleasure.

5. Construct an extensive high speed levitated train system down each US coast and west across the northern and southern most states. I like riding trains, and they are a cleaner form of transportation than cars or planes.

6. Move the state of Israel to Nevada. Seriously, if the US is going to spend eternity being Israel's bitch we should at least move them somewhere that we can guarantee their safety. And since Nevada and Israel are both in the desert it will be like they never left home! Besides, we already let the Mormons own Utah.

7. Make free or low cost access to healthcare a global right. It sucks being in the only industrialized nation without universal healthcare. And health insurance companies are a despicable scourge on the Earth. There is no reason that living or dying should be dependent on how much money you have or how good your individual health insurance plan is.

8. Create a REAL Christian Nation. Homosexuality and abortion would be illegal there, but all citizens would be forced to follow ALL the laws of the Bible. That means no more ham, bacon, shrimp, lobster, or cheeseburgers! Citizens would have to observe kosher dietary laws, and from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday there would be no use of electricity, no driving, no spending money, no carrying anything outdoors, no writing, or anything else which could remotely be considered "work"! And don't give me this crap about kosher being a "Jewish" law. EVERYTHING in the Old Testament is a Jewish law. So, either you follow all of them, or none of them. No more picking and choosing! Maybe I'll put it where Israel used to be.

9. Turn US prisons into rehabilitation facilities. With few exceptions, like Charlie Manson or Osama bin Laden, psychology can help reform and redeem anyone. We spend enough on each prisoner to put them through college. With that sort of investment we should at least be getting productive citizens in return. Otherwise, we are just throwing money down a bottomless hole.

10. Build a replica of the Twin Towers, including desks and computers, then remotely fly planes carrying pig carcasses as human analogues into the replicas. I don't know if 9/11 was an "inside job", but this seems like the only way to prove it beyond all doubt. If the buildings collapse in a few hours, we will know the planes did it. It it takes 12 hours or longer for the buildings to fall, then I will have a legitimate reason for putting jumper cables on Cheney's testicles.

I'll stop at 10 for now. I'm sure I could come up with more in time. Perhaps I'll revisit this later.

Until then...

Have fun and keep living life... and bow to me, your Benevolent Overlord!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, Good luck with these, you see you would be president, not King Henry the 8th.

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