Friday, April 8, 2011

The Fortunes of Futures Passed

Fortune Cookies Are Getting Morose
I'm not one for backup plans. Generally, I make my mind up, I go in a direction, and I see where it takes me. If I end up someplace good, then I'm happy. If I end up someplace not so good, then I'm not so happy, but I deal with it and accept my fate... at least for awhile. However, I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't start trying to create a backup plan, in the event this whole going to Graduate School and becoming a professor thing doesn't work out.

The thing is, I don't see myself as becoming anything other than a college professor. Well, at least not realistically. I've had a fantasy for years now about creating a company with my friends for the sole purpose of saving the world from itself. That whole God complex of mine enjoys reveling in that fantasy. But, the job of college professor is uniquely suited to what I consider my strengths, while still allowing me to indulge in some of my weaknesses. For instance, I love giving presentations in front of groups of people. I enjoy reading up on some obscure bit of knowledge, breaking that knowledge down into a set of presentation slides, and teaching it to people who didn't take the time to learn what I just discovered. Also, I enjoy being a little judgmental (that would be classified as one of my weaknesses). Asking people to write a literature review paper, or other such assignment, would allow me an outlet for looking down my nose at students who seemingly can't find their ass with a roll of toilet paper.

Most people who graduate with a BA in Psychology end up working in sales, marketing, or advertising. Those are all fine professions, but, as I've mentioned before, I'm a Socialist. I don't want to be a slave to the Capitalist system anymore. I'm tired of working hard for less pay than I deserve while I watch the CEO of the company that hands me my wage buy a multi-million dollar summer home in Hawaii with money that came from MY sweat, MY stress, and MY hunger. To all those Libertarians who are afraid of the government taking "their property" in the form of taxes to care for the poor and the sick, I have to say you have FAR MORE to worry about from the Capitalists. And the Capitalists aren't even going to give the money they take from your production to the poor or the sick. Unless, of course, you count their Hispanic pool boy Juan as one of the poor! But, I digress!

The thing is, since coming to NC State, it has been harder to make A's than I anticipated. And every time that I make a B it doesn't inspire me to work harder to get the A. Instead, a B makes me wonder if my dream of going to Grad School is one which dwells not in reality but futility. Should I continue to push forward even though I may end up hitting a brick wall? Or should I slam on the brakes or turn the wheel in a new direction? And if I choose the new direction, where do I go, and what do I do when I get there?

I once mentioned that one of the things which kept me from committing suicide all those years ago was this fantasy that there were infinite versions of me living out their lives in the infinite universes of Einstein's equations. It was somehow comforting to imagine that somewhere out there were versions of me living up to my fullest potential and achieving the things that I could only dream about. Now, I sit here wondering if the Old Doctor that I've dreamt of becoming ever lived in this universe, waiting for me to catch up to him in the time line. Is he still there, or has that time line passed me by with each successive B on each successive test that I've ever had this semester? Could there be a way to put the time line back on track so that I can catch up with the Old Doctor?

I'm supposed to talk to a Doctor about PSY 499 work next week.

Have fun and keep living life... Or Some Approximation Thereof.

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